I wanted an audience with a WWE Diva. After all, wouldn't she be the Ginger Rogers of wrestling? She has to do everything the guys do only in dental-floss thongs and push-up bras.
PHOTO COURTESY OF THE WWE WWE Diva Kelly Kelly will appear live at Quicken Loans Arena beginning at 6:45 p.m. Tuesday; the event will air Friday night on the Syfy channel.
Greetings, my darling sycophants. As you know, the Diva prides herself on donning a snorkel and diving into the murky depths of pop culture so you can bask on the sun deck licking the salt off the rim of your margarita glass.
So you can only imagine her furiously yanking on her wet suit when she received an e-mail from the WWE announcing its upcoming event at The Q.
"The Television trucks roll into Cleveland for WWE SmackDown (to air on SyFy) at Quicken Loans Arena on Tuesday, March 1. This is your opportunity to interview the Superstars of WWE."
Offered up for grilling were WWE Heavyweight Champion Edge and others the Diva had never heard of because she stopped watching wrestling back when the WWE was the WWF and Hulk Hogan was still a color found in nature.
A quick primer before we continue: During her dogged reportage, the Diva learned that we are no longer to call it "wrestling." It is, rather, "entertainment" or "sports entertainment." Happy to oblige, though the Diva would be remiss if she neglected to point out that WWE stands for "World Wrestling Entertainment." But why quibble?
Wrestlers aren't wrestlers anymore either -- they are "Superstars" or "Divas" though as my loyal kumquats know, there is only one true Diva and her first name is "Pop."
But yours truly had no interest in speaking to Mr. Edge, whose Mattel action figure resembles Jesus pumped up on HGH. I wanted an audience with a WWE Diva. After all, wouldn't she be the Ginger Rogers of wrestling? She has to do everything the guys do only in dental-floss thongs and push-up bras.
And that is how the Pop Diva came to have a virtual steel cage match (aka a heavily edited Q&A) with the WWE's Diva Kelly Kelly, nee Barbara Jean Blank.
Diva Kelly Kelly's ring persona is an exhibitionist famous for "Kelly's Expose," a "PG-13" striptease in which she almost doffs her top but is covered by a towel by a jealous boyfriend at the penultimate moment. She is wildly popular the world over as evidenced by "Oh! So Barbie: the official and top fan site for WWE Kelly Kelly" (barbie-blank.net). A sample posting from Wednesday -- "I wish Kelly Kelly will going my country: Vietnam."
Why, you ask, is her stage name not Diva Barbie Barbie? Oh, read on, my inquiring, shallow minions. Read on.
Hey, it's great to talk to another Diva.
You, too!
Where does Kelly Kelly come from? Is your given name Kelly?
No. But I don't know if I'm supposed to say.
Who added the other Kelly?
It was probably Vince [McMahon], my boss's idea, to go with Kelly Kelly. Because it's very unique, you know what I mean?
Yes! From now on, I'm going to be Diva Diva. How old are you?
I'm 24. I started when I was 19. I was the youngest Diva they've ever had.
So you entered the WWE at 19?
Yeah. I was in my first year of college and they found me. I was just doing some modeling on the side and going to school and they saw me in a catalog and asked if I wanted to wrestle for a living.
What catalog?
It was Venus Swimwear . . . it's a pretty big magazine that goes out everywhere in Florida.
When a scout said, "Hey, are you interested in the WWE?" Were you like, "No way. I'm gonna break a nail"?
They knew I had an athletic background. I was a gymnast for 10 years, and I've always been into sports. My agent was like, "It's kind of far-fetched. I don't know if you're interested" and I was like, "Heck yeah! Put me on a plane -- I wanna go!"
So when you went home and said, "Mom and Dad, I wanna be a wrestler," what did they say?
They're my No. 1 fans, honestly. They come to all the WrestleManias. . . . My 80-year-old grandmother comes to my shows, too, which is pretty awesome.
Does she get front-row seats?
She does. And all the wrestlers . . . they'll come up and hug [her]. It's pretty funny. My granny gets the royal treatment when she comes, so she likes it.
Is your granny coming to Cleveland?
No. She won't be there.
Too bad! Have you ever taught your granny any moves?
She'll be like, "Well, how do you do a headlock?" Just simple stuff.
Nobody's gonna steal her purse.
She's a sassy woman.
Do you have a signature move?
It's called the K2. I boot the girl in the stomach and I put my leg over her neck and . . . then I smash her face into the mat.
I heard you had seamstresses in the WWE.
We do.
Do you develop your own looks?
I do. I've been through a few different seamstresses. See, with me, I hate wearing the same thing twice.
PHOTO COURTESY OF THE WWE The WWE's Kelley Kelly, in one of her signature outfits, climbs the rope. The WWE boasts 14 million U.S. viewers a week; 35 percent of those tuning in are women.
It's because you're a fashionista, that's why.
Well, yeah! I'll try and mix and match stuff and I'll throw stuff together and just make it my own. I'll put Swarovski crystals on it. Whatever I have to do to make it my look, I'll figure it out. . . . I wore chaps a few years ago, and now I'm wearing like shorts and tops and I have my signature, long-sleeved little jacket with my name on it. It kind of keeps evolving.
Is your name written in Swarovski crystals?
On one of the jackets, yes.
That is awesome. What do you do with your nails? Do you have to keep 'em short?
Every week one of my bosses comes up to me and goes, "Lemme see your nails." He gets so mad if they're not done! Every week I have to be on it. If I break one, I have to get it fixed. But I keep 'em short and I keep 'em real natural, so usually they don't break. It's usually me biting 'em off.
Are there other Divas that let 'em grow into talons?
Usually the girls keep them pretty decent because I've been scratched before and it does not feel good. And we will not be afraid to tell one another, "Hey, you need to cut your nails."
I hear you traveled to Afghanistan this Christmas to meet with the troops.
Oh my gosh, it was so cool. We got to go to a bunch of camps and, like, go on the Black Hawks and we got to shoot some guns.
I have to ask you, did any soldiers get fresh and you had to body-slam them?
Um, they're actually very respectful but they get a little excited and wanna like hug you and stuff like that, which is fine, but it's funny because when Vince was with us, if a guy was like too huggy or something, he'd be like, "All right, get off the girls now."
Should have had Granny with you. Do you have to worry about other girls pulling your hair?
I do, I do! That's a big issue too 'cuz that's what the girls go for first -- the hair.
That's what I do.
I'll see hair [being ripped out] and I'm like, "Nooooooo!" But there's not really much you can do . . . trust me, I do the same -- I pull the girls' hair too. I'm probably getting paid back.
You're obviously in great shape. How many chin-ups can Kelly Kelly can do?
Oh, my gosh. Maybe 10 or 15.
There are a few detractors out there who insist you're not really wrestling, it's all fake. What would you say to them?
I just wanna punch people in the face when they say something like that. . . . Luckily, I haven't been severely injured, but I've . . . broken ribs and stuff. It's not as glamorous as it looks. Still, I love comin' to work every week.
Kelly, everything on you looks completely real to me, but . . .
Oh, it is. I'm not ashamed of it. It's all real. I love getting that question because I'm like, "Yes they are and I'm so proud."
Are there other Divas that have to worry about breast implants exploding when they hit the mat?
(The interview comes to a screeching halt, as the perfectly pleasant PR guy who's been listening in suggests we say good-bye.)