You've been fighting it for two weeks, but this World Cup thing isn't going away.
View full sizeA red card means you've been a bad boy.If anything, the once-every-four-years soccer showcase (and the most popular sporting event in the world) is threatening to become the most-talked-about event of the summer. You can thank those vuvuzela horns, a slow summer of sports news and a great showing by the U.S. team. (The Yanks take on Ghana this afternoon.)
If you're feeling left out, don't. There's still plenty of room on the pitch for latecomers. To make sure you don't look like a fool as you watch the games (first rule: call them "matches" instead of games), here's a primer on "the beautiful game."
Overview
Soccer, like a Phish concert, is played on grass.
The object is to score more goals than your opponent. Beat another country in soccer, and you can feel superior for years, even if you lose in more trivial measurements, such as life expectancy, gross domestic product and literacy.
Eleven players are on the field for each team. Those who lag back to help defend the goal are "defenders." Players in the middle who move between offense and defense are "midfielders," and those up front who attack are "forwards," or "strikers." Teams are allowed three substitutions during a match.
Soccer is played with a ball about the size of a basketball. Players move it up and down the field by kicking it or striking it with their heads. As on a first date, hands cannot be used. Goalies, like divorced people on a first date, can use their hands.
Teams play two halves, 45 minutes each. Now that we are in the "knockout stage" -- or bracket portion -- of the World Cup, ties are no longer an issue. If a match is tied after 90 minutes, the teams will play a 30-minute overtime. If it's still tied, the match is decided with penalty kicks. In the stands, fans often decide ties with their fists.
Terminology
Dribble -- To control the ball with your feet as you run down the field. Also what soccer fans do on their shirts after 10 pints.
Friendly -- An exhibition. A match that doesn't count in a league or tournament. Ticket prices to these events, however, remain unfriendly.
Kit -- Another way of saying a team's uniform, as in "Do you think Paraguay's kit makes their butts look big?"
Nil -- Same thing as zero. So a 2-0 score is pronounced "two-nil." Exception: a 0-0 score is pronounced "Ambien without a prescription."
Pitch -- The soccer field.
Tackle -- Not to be mistaken with American football, this is when a defender challenges for the ball with his leg or body.
Foul -- When a player breaks the rules. The other team is awarded a free kick.
Free kick -- Awarded after a foul, and depending on the foul, it can be either indirect (cannot be shot into the goal) or direct (can be shot into the goal). Defenders often line up in front of a free kick to create a wall, holding their hands between their legs to protect their brains.
Yellow card -- A formal caution for a somewhat serious offense: a hard foul, unsportsmanlike behavior, coming home from the bars at 2:30 a.m. when you said you'd be home at 10 p.m.
Red card -- Punishment for severe behavior: a violent foul, intentionally touching the ball with your hand to prevent a goal, not coming home from the bars at all when you said you'd be home at 10 p.m. Getting a second yellow card also results in a red card. Players who receive a red card are ejected and must sit out the next game.
Stoppage time -- Also called "injury time," it's extra minutes added to the end of each half to make up for time wasted on throw-ins, injuries and fake injuries.
Penalty kick -- A one-on-one kick, shooter versus goalie, from 12 yards away. Goals are scored on about 75 percent of penalty kicks.
Flop -- Also called a "dive," it's when a player fakes as if he was fouled, often rolling on the ground, crying and engaging in other annoying histrionics. It is a disgraceful display, unless, of course, the flopper is on your team and your opponent gets booked with a yellow card.
Other questions
Corner kick or goal kick? When the ball goes out of bounds past the goal lines, it's a corner kick if the defending team touched it last and a goal kick if the attacking team touched it last. Corner kicks are like prom: exciting, fleeting chances to score.
What is offside? It's when the recipient of a pass is beyond all of the defenders (not counting the goalkeeper) the moment the pass is kicked. It's similar to "cherry picking" in basketball. Sideline officials call it by raising a flag. Fans who see their goal disallowed respond by raising their middle fingers.
What's that rectangle in front of the goal? That's the penalty area. Goalies are allowed to use their hands only in this box. Fouls or hand balls by defenders in this box result in a penalty kick.
Why does the goalkeeper wear a different uniform? To help differentiate himself to the ref and other players. It also gives him a chance to express himself stylistically.