Folks in Madison like to talk about how the Badgers have dominated the Buckeyes the past two years, ignoring the fact that OSU won both games.
Madison, Wis. -- The scoreboard doesn't matter here, which is about what you would expect of a place called Madtown.
The visitor from Ohio might note that the flagship university of the Big Ten has beaten Wisconsin the past two years, albeit while using improbable and downright bizarre methods. The response from the natives here would be to clap both hands over their ears, hum "On Wisconsin!" loudly, and then shout, "I can't hearrrr you!"
"U-Rah-Rah!" and all that school spirit stuff aside, they are seriously delusional people.
Too many Leinies imbibed before the 7 p.m. kickoff Saturday against Ohio State may be to blame.
There is also the chance that a frozen marshmallow with a nickel embedded inside, aimed for an Ohio State partisan, might have whanged off the young Wisconsin scholars' noggins instead, reducing them to pumpkins without seeds.
Perhaps the stronger-armed among the missile throwers is now playing quarterback for the Badgers.
The improbable 20-17 OSU victory in 2008 came on an 80-yard drive, led by inexperienced freshman quarterback Terrelle Pryor. He finished it himself with an 11-yard touchdown run on an option keeper in the last 1 minute, 8 seconds.
On its heels came the bizarre game in 2009 at the Horseshoe. Wisconsin quarterback Scott Tolzien lobbed two marshmallow balls to the Buckeyes, both of which were returned for touchdowns in OSU's 31-13 victory. When Glenville's Ray Small took a kickoff back for a touchdown, you were left to wonder if it wasn't the biggest day for returns since MacArthur waded ashore in the Philippines.
Wisconsin has apparently had the same quarterback for the whole decade. Sometimes, he's named Brooks Bollinger, sometimes he's Jim Sorgi (until Ohio State linebacker Robert Reynolds infamously choked him out of the 2003 game, to be replaced by Matt Schabert), sometimes he's Allan Evridge. This time, he's Tolzien. Again.
Doesn't matter. Only Schabert did much damage, snapping a 19-game Ohio State winning streak with a long, late touchdown pass to Bedford's Lee Evans.
Lately, the Badgers have eschewed the pass as much as possible. With their quarterbacks, it's understandable. The Badgers instead gain big yardage on the ground in the middle of the field.
Thus has been born the fiction that Wisconsin dominated Ohio State both of the past two years.
But in 2008, OSU actually outgained the Badgers, 183-179, in rushing and 327-326 overall.
In 2009, Wisconsin did own the offensive yards, 368-184, but that's because the Badgers ran 89 plays to OSU's 40. When you're running back all those interceptions and kickoffs, it cuts down the chances for the offense. The Badgers had the ball for 42 minutes, 47 seconds and amassed 22 first downs to OSU's six.
With the ball all day, Wisconsin averaged 4.1 yards per play. Ohio State averaged 4.6.
John Clay, who's supposed to be the second coming of 1999 Heisman Trophy winner Ron Dayne, the feature back when Wisconsin actually won Big Ten titles, gained 59 yards on 20 carries.
Furthermore, first downs, a big Cheesehead point of pride in last year's game, is a misleading statistic. A 10-yard run is a first down. So is a 60-yard pass. Neither time of possession nor first downs can offset a serious deficit in big plays.
Badger coach Bret Bielema can dial up a big play, all right. It's just usually against his team.
In 2007, a fake punt at his own 25-yard line blew up like a bruise from a frozen marshmallow. OSU, leading 24-17 at the time, won, 38-17.
In 2008, an OSU formation confused the Badgers, who on the game-deciding play mustered only one defender to play both Pryor and the option pitch man, tailback Beanie Wells.
Bielema is the new John L. Smith, the former Michigan State coach who squandered talent earlier in this decade. John L. once slapped himself in the face in a press conference and then left the podium. All that was needed was a voice-over of Porky Pig spluttering, "Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks."
The scoreboard , not a cartoon character, usually has the last word in sports. If it is to be believed, of course.