Mascot has just jumped to the top of the list of most coveted jobs in Northeast Ohio, Bud Shaw writes in his Spin column.
OK, so this might not be the greatest look for someone universally considered one of the NFL's all-time greats. But if the Browns really do want someone as a "mascot", our intrepid columnist is willing to accept the bargain-basement rate of $100,000. As long as he gets a chance to diet a bit, of course.CLEVELAND, Ohio -- It's not work if you love what you do, or, these days, if there's dental coverage.
These are difficult economic times.
People in Northeast Ohio are losing jobs, taking pay cuts, assuming more of the cost of their health care.
So if the Browns are really offering $100,000 a year for a mascot job, as Jim Brown insinuated in turning down a position with the team, I think I speak for hundreds of thousands of people when I say to Mike Holmgren, "Big Show -- if that's your real name -- what do I have to wear and when can I start?"
Here are my terms: I'll do anything.
If the job requires dressing like a Brownie elf, I'd even be willing to buy the P90X extreme workout program. I need it to have any chance of fitting into a pair of tight pants. Right now I'd have to rely on a spatula and a full can of Crisco.
Brown, a prideful man, said in his letter he did not dance as a player and he would not dance for the Browns' president.
Conveniently, pride has never been as issue for me. For basically working from now until Christmas at a six-figure salary, I will do the Pee Wee Herman "Tequila" dance on the opponent's sidelines. I'll dance the Fandango, disco, ballet and the Twist. And that's just during the coin flip.
I'll dance like Kevin Bacon in "Footloose."
In the event the Browns do not have such a position open, I am ready to take my talents to any college looking for a mascot:
I have only ruled out five:
Considering that as a banana slug, your mascot uniform probably doesn't have any legs, Bud Shaw would like a little extra in the pay envelope.• UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. I'm not dressing like a banana slug for less than $101,000.
• The Lock Haven Bald Eagles. Yes. I'm halfway there. But I'm in no hurry to speed the process.
• Cal State-Long Beach. The baseball team's nickname is the Dirtbags. That'll cost them $102,000.
• Oglethorpe Stormy Petrels. James Edward Oglethorpe was said to have lit a seafaring bird, the stormy petrel, on fire and followed it through the storm and fog to shore while he was lost at sea.
Bonfires. Drunk college kids. C'mon. I'm no idiot.
• Evergreen State College Geoducks. A geoduck, pronounced "gooey duck" is a large salt water clam.
Forget it. I'm not that desperate.
Unless 50 percent of the job description is lying on the beach.
What were the odds?
Because Pete Rose is on baseball's black list, the Cincinnati Reds had to get clearance from Major League Baseball to honor Rose on the 25th anniversary of breaking Ty Cobb's all-time record for hits. Rose got the record on Sept. 11, 1985.
The problem is that Rose has another commitment on Sept. 11. He will be at a memorial service for the victims of ... check that, I'm being told that is not the reason for his scheduling conflict.
Shockingly, the reason the Rose celebration will be delayed until Sept. 12 is he'll be making an appearance at a casino in Lawrenceburg, Indiana.
What did he get in trouble for with baseball again?
Is this a good time to make the case to NFL owners that players cannot survive a pay cut in the next collective bargaining agreement?
Miami Dolphins defensive end Kendall Langford lost a 2.5-carat diamond earring during practice Tuesday. Practice was halted. His teammates helped scour the field for the jewel estimated to be worth $50,000, but couldn't find it.
Langford was touched by the effort.
"I've got a great group of guys out there helping me out -- family type guys," Langford told SI.com.
What he could really use in a search party is somebody from the Hilton, Gabor and Liberace families.
HE SAID IT
Manny Ramirez, ideal teammate? That's the truth, so help us Ozzie Guillen."I never heard any of Manny's teammates complain about Manny." -- Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen after the team claimed Manny Ramirez on waivers. Really? Boston Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon called Ramirez a "cancer" in a 2008 Esquire magazine story.
As reader Wayne Kuznar says, "Is 'cancer' a code word for "great teammate?"
Yes. You know. Semantics.
SPINOFFS
I received an email offering me a "review copy of NFL-great and ESPN Analyst Merril Hoge's New Memoir "Find A Way: Three Words that Changed My Life" I've heard of Merrill Hoge but who's the NFL great?
Aroldis Chapman, the Cuban defector signed by the Reds, hit 102.7 miles an hour in his first appearance with Cincinnati. The tradeoff: a surgery to be named...
Gordon Gee told the Dayton Daily News he favored putting the Buckeyes and Michigan in separate divisions. "We want to beat [Michigan] twice," Gee said. No. I checked it out. He did not mean to say "tie"...
Manny Ramirez showed up speaking Spanish and with Joey Cora as a translator at his Progressive Field press conference. As odd behavior goes, that doesn't make Manny's Top 20 list. ... But it's worth noting he did so a day after arguing balls and strikes in passable enough English to get ejected in his last Dodgers' at-bat ...
YOU SAID IT
"Bud:
"Do other teams crank-call the Indians and ask if Travis Hafner is available?" -- Mike Gleason
Yes. In fact, one recent caller who identified himself only as Bart S. proposed a straight-up deal for Jacques Strappe.
"Bud:
"Now that Congress has resolved the most important issue facing our country (indicting Roger Clemens), do you think it will move on to try to solve the clapper caper?" -- Joe Putich, Valley View
Perjury is serious business on Capitol Hill. So the indictment of Clemens was a strong message sent. That message: Only Congress can get away with lying to Congress.
"Hey Bud:
"You couldn't have been surprised to see the Tribe scratch and claw their way to victory on Puppypalooza night. After all, the team has been going to the dogs for months now." -- Vince G.
Be nice. This team does not know the meaning of the word "quit." Just "play dead" and "down."
"Bud:
"Suppose the Tribe manager loses his patient, nice-guy personality. Then, while hitting fly balls for outfielders to shag, one strays from fair territory. Would that be a 'tough Acta foul?'" -- Chas Kikel
Disclaimer: In the event it takes you more than four hours to come up with "You Said It," seek immediate medical help.
"Hey Bud:
"Has anybody gotten the reaction from the Yankees on how they are dealing with the fact that two future cornerstones are out with serious injuries? Do they have any options on how to replace Carlos Santana and Stephen Strasburg for the 2015 season?" -- Josh, South Euclid.
First-time "You Said It" winners receive a T-shirt from the Mental Floss collection.
"Voice of Reason:
"In keeping with his decision to boycott the Ring of Honor ceremony, will 'The Greatest Brown of Them All' change the name of his foundation to Amer-I-Won't?" -- Dan O.
Repeat winners receive a donation to their favorite charity -- so long as their favorite charity is me.