The city's decision to limit tailgating hours at the Municipal Parking Lot could compromise the culture of being a Browns fan, Bud Shaw writes in his Sunday Spin.
Some Browns fans aren't pleased that tailgating at municipal lots may have to be a strictly conducted in broad daylight. Perhaps city officials just don't understand the many perfectly legitimate activities that take place before sunrise, says Bud Shaw.CLEVELAND, Ohio -- If the early bird drinks enough, don't rule out him doing The Worm dance.
Some tailgaters are unhappy with the city's decision to delay the opening of the Municipal Parking Lot from 4 a.m. to 7 a.m. for Browns' home games.
For some reason, the city believes opening the lot six hours ahead of a 1 p.m. kickoff is enough time for people to come together and experience a NFL game day.
No delicate exploratory surgeries (that we know of) are conducted by headlights in the Muni Lot. There is no off-site NASA experimental testing to justify nine hours of prep time. So at quick glance six hours might seem long enough to bond, satisfy an appetite and quench a thirst. It even leaves time for the over-indulged to rinse their shoes and repeat.
But more than 3,000 people have signed an online petition in hopes of convincing the city to leave well enough alone.
That tells me that as responsible citizens they understand something the city does not. They understand that opening the Muni Lot at 4 a.m. is more than senseless tradition. It provides an extra three hours crammed full of redeeming social value, a time for Browns fans to help each other be all they can be.
If the city doesn't reverse its new policy, think what will be missed:
• 4 a.m. -- Group meditation. This is done in one of two postures. The Lotus position. Or the "I got your meditation right here buddy" posture. Either way, it gets Browns fans in touch with their inner elf.
• 4:30 -- After announcing he is "taking my talents to the Muni Lot" because he wants to be involved with a Cleveland team that at least hits, John Adams holds a drum circle meant to ward off the evil spirit of Andre Rison.
• 5 a.m. -- Weekly seminar topic: "Conflict Management." Discussion leader: Jim Brown, who leaves halfway through when he learns his stipend has been cut in half.
• 5:30: -- "Problem Solving." Tailgaters pair off in a workshop designed to build teamwork with hopes of marketing a beer helmet that doubles as a catheter.
• 6 a.m. -- City waste management officials explain why public urination is not considered "recycling."
• 6:30 -- Poetry reading. The Browns season in haiku. Don't think fans can be so introspective? Think again.
We already have proof from the WaitingForNextYear blog, which gets credit for the idea behind this culturally rich half-hour in the Muni Lot.
Consider this entry from username "Coin:"
Browns fans, the only
"Decision" to be made is
"where to buy the beer"
• 7 a.m. -- A round of applause for the previous three hours spent making Browns games a more friendly and educational experience.
HE SAID IT
"Tailgating is obviously part of the NFL experience, but there has to be some social etiquette." -- Cleveland CEO Darnell Brown.
Please remember to point your pinkie when punching a Steelers fan.
If the NFL is "The Shield," the UFL is the tin badge found in the bottom of the cereal box
Maurice Clarett has received permission to leave Ohio to try out for the Omaha Nighthawks of the United Football League. But that doesn't guarantee he'll resume his once-promising football career.
The league wants to first make sure there is a support network to help Clarett, the former Ohio State running back who served time for aggravated robbery and carrying a concealed weapon.
"It's important for us not to tarnish the reputation of this league," commissioner Michael Huyghue said in a statement that begs one more question than it answers.
The UFL has a reputation to tarnish?
YOU SAID IT
C'mon guys ... shouldn't you be figuring out geography or some other important school activity -- instead of creating greater baseball glory for Hawaiian Little Leaguers? (The Expanded What Else Is There To Read in Sunday Spin? Edition)
"Bud:
"At this stage of most Indians' seasons, do you ever find yourself becoming a little envious of your compadre, Paul Hoynes, considering his exhilarating and exciting role at the Sports department this time of year?" -- Dale, Medina
Yes. I just can't decide if I'm more jealous of him or the trapped Chilean miners.
"Bud:
"Is it just me or couldn't the Little League Baseball World Series been played before school began?" -- Tom Hoffner, Broadview Heights
It's just you. Four of five NCAA presidents say it's never too early for "student-athletes" to learn about missing class.
"Bud:
"Why don't the Indians ever shoot the free hot dogs and T-shirts at the bleachers?" -- Donna M.
Team officials fear the T-shirt shooters, like most hitters in the lineup, would only have warning track power.
"Bud:
"Can I still be considered a fan if my current interest in sports consists of reading entries to 'You Said It' and 'The Couch Slouch?'" -- Jim J.
Yes. And as I've pointed out in the past if you sometimes get the two columns confused, one of them is smart and funny. The other is "You Said It."
"Hey Bud:
"First Jim Brown refuses to attend the Ring of Honor ceremony and now the tailgaters are upset with the Muni lots' time changes. Is there any truth to the rumor the Browns are considering logos on the helmets and a cheerleading squad?" -- Doug Beckler, Lorain
Yes. And in another break with recent tradition, they will make a serious attempt to field a winning team.
"Hey Bud:
"My wife keeps a coded channel lock on all my satellite movie stations that may show obscene and questionable material to shield my three kids. Should I have her add SportsTime Ohio to the list?" -- Jimmy K.
That sounds a little extreme, but the Little League Coaches of America do caution against watching it in HD.
"Hey Bud:
"I'm very worried about Chris Antonetti's fitness to replace Mark Shapiro. In a recent interview, Antonetti dropped phrases like "minimize the window of transition," and "strategically add to [our roster] through external sources [and] acquisition avenues." Unfortunately, none of that rookie gibberish (can match) the veteran Shapiro's classic "He's already pitched in meaningfully leveraged roles." So do you think that Antonetti has the linguistic assets task-critical to successfully transition in this hierarchical paradigm going forward?" -- Martin M
First-time "You Said It" winners receive a T-shirt from the Mental Floss collection.
"Dear Bud:
"Roger Clemens said he is looking forward to clearing his name and hopes baseball fans will keep an open mind until his trial. I, for one, am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Just 'cause the feds have witnesses and overwhelming evidence against you doesn't mean you're guilty." -- J.D., County Building, Cleveland
Repeat winners receive a FBI probe.