Charles Barkley going to bat for Cleveland is final proof of an alternate sports universe, Bud Shaw writes in his Sunday Spin.
Whether or not Cleveland is a "dreary place," Charles Barkley has decided to have Northeast Ohio's back when it comes to discussing LeBron James and his "punk moves."CLEVELAND, Ohio -- You could've made any number of sports bets a year ago and been able to retire on your winnings.
You could've bet that Tiger Woods would become a punch line. That a heckler at Firestone, would holler, "Give it up, Tiger. You're washed up."
You could've bet that LeBron James would hold a one-hour special to callously announce he was breaking up with the city of Cleveland, then act as if he did nothing wrong.
You might've bet the toughest talking confrontation in sports in the summer of 2010 would be between reporter Jim Gray and Ryder Cup captain Corey Pavin over what was said about Woods' candidacy.
Jim Gray and Corey Pavin? The vintage TV equivalent would be a Texas Death Match between Screech and Webster.
Any of those bets would've paid off the house and put a down payment on some beachfront property. But there was one bet you could've made that would've provided the nest egg necessary to buy a yacht and hire a butler.
If you'd have bet Charles Barkley would become the spokesman for the city of Cleveland, you'd have assured your family's financial security for decades.
Bill Gates would be looking to borrow money from you.
In calling James' departure from the Cavaliers a "punk move," in using the same basic term to describe the gyrating of James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh at their introduction in Miami, Barkley has endeared himself to Cavaliers fans in ways no one ever thought possible.
Not long ago, Barkley was the bane of Cleveland for reasons real and imagined. Some thought he held a grudge against the city after getting dragged back to town as part of a civil trial in 1997 stemming from a fight in the Flats when Barkley was a member of the Phoenix Suns.
Especially after the night in 2009 when he shared the set with Ernie Johnson and basketball analyst Chris Webber and managed to take a shot at two cities at once."If you were to swap the people in Cleveland and Milwaukee," Barkley said, "it'd be the same dreary ass city. They are both dreary places. ... There is no reason to live in Cleveland, that's why they call it the mistake by the lake. They didn't come up with that for no reason, Ernie."
I wouldn't want to get in the way of anybody rallying around Barkley at present. He's saying what James needs to hear from an objective third party.
But it does feel a little like the Joker protecting Gotham City against the forces of evil.
He promised to change his life and now he has.
Ben Roethlisberger has taken an unusual tack when it comes to putting his critics in their place. Or putting himself in a different place. Or ... whatever.Ben Roethlisberger, the former pride of Findlay, reportedly has changed his biographical information in the Steelers' media guide and now claims to be from a fictitious place.
Not Celibacy, Ohio, though commissioner Roger Goodell might be duped by that and reduce Roethlisberger's six-game suspension.
Another non-existent place.
According to the Associated Press, because Roethlisberger is supposedly upset with some unflattering things people in his hometown said after he was accused but not charged with sexual assault in the off-season, he now lists Corey Rawson, Ohio as his hometown.
There is no Corey Rawson, Ohio. He went to Cory-Rawson School before his junior high days, where he apparently did not win any spelling bees.
SPINOFFS
I sympathize with Houston Texans' linebacker Brian Cushing testing positive for steroid use and claiming Overtrained Athlete Syndrome. ... I once suffered from Overtrained Sports Writer's Syndrome, didn't know it, and felt public shame when I subsequently tested positive for brewer's yeast...
Who would've thought a guy as unassuming and humble as Brandon Phillips could touch off a brawl with St. Louis just by opening his mouth? For one day, Eric Wedge stopped wishing he could manage in the big leagues again and instead dreamed of catching for the Cardinals when Phillips came to bat...
Celtics' backup Shaquille O'Neal says, "I've done everything individually that I've set out to do. Now, toward the latter part of my career, it's all about winning..." The latter part of his career? Shaq has been openly chasing rings for so many years now he's made mail order brides look like hopeless romantics...
So Jeff Van Gundy believes the Heat will break Chicago's record of 72 wins in a season. Because I believe in God, I have Dwyane Wade and his two valets suffering synchronized hamstring pulls with a month to go in the season...
HE SAID IT
"I thought that his little one-hour special was a punk move. I thought them dancing around on the stage was a punk move, and I thought he should've stayed in Cleveland. Him joining Dwyane Wade's team was very disappointing to me." -- Barkley on James during a radio interview in Dallas.
James isn't sure where you stand, Charles. Would you say that again?
And again.
And again.
And again.
YOU SAID IT
OK, so this wasn't exactly the Indians' play of the year. Then again, Trevor Crowe has plenty of competition from his teammates for less-than-stellar moments this summer.(The Slightly Expanded Sunday Edition)
"Bud:
"Do the Indians players haze Travis Hafner and make him carry their gloves?" -- Fay R.
Ha. The Indians use gloves. Good one.
"Bud:
"The worst part about being on a Dullsville team is when a guy wearing an expensive Italian suit and driving a Bentley is actually expected to pay for a bottle of water. How simply gauche, darling." -- Joe
One of the perks of playing for the Jets is Braylon Edwards will never have to worry about paying $1,701 for a bottle of water again. Perrier in New York only costs $1,699.
"Bud:
"Is it true Braylon Edwards is taking night classes at the City College of New York (Go Beavers!) so that the fans won't boo him when he drops a pass?" -- Pat
New Yorkers can sense when a player has the same shared high-falutin' essence they do. Instead of booing when he drops a pass, they will simply give him a cold hard stare through their monocles.
"Bud:
"Now that Shaq has gone to play in Boston, do they realistically have two 'Big Babies' now?" -- Mike
It won't be the most mature tandem. But expect hilarity to ensue when Shaq asks Glen Davis to "pull my thumb."
"Bud:
"Did you see that Webster's dictionary included the new word 'brayling,' meaning "the constant whining about real or imagined slights in order to deflect responsibility for one's own shortcomings?" -- Pat
No, but I saw where an acceptable alternative for a receiver letting a ball clang off his hands is now "bropping."
"Bud:
"With Tami Longaberger helping Bernie Kosar rebuild his life, could Bernie now be considered a 'basket case?'" -- Coleman
First-time "You Said It" winners receive a T-shirt from the Mental Floss collection.
"Bud:
"I thought I saw Scottie Pippen shooting hoops at Cedar Point the other day, but when he bricked the shots I figured it must be some other guy." -- Ray Kovacs
Repeat winners receive a fake elbow injury.