If we're lucky, criticism of ESPN's role in "The Decision" means we'll never see its likes again, Bud Shaw writes in his Sunday Spin
Who says the show must go on?
LeBron James may have set a dangerous precedent.
Not the creation of super teams in the NBA.
Terrifically bad sports programming.
Don Ohlmeyer, the former ABC and NBC executive hired as ESPN's ombudsman, this week criticized the network for turning over an hour of programming to James, letting him pick his interviewer and allowing his camp to sell the commercial time.
Ohlmeyer called it a "cautionary tale for ESPN." He chided the network for "editorial acquiescence" and lamented the hype that gave the program "the air of a reality show."
Good for him. His criticism got ESPN's attention.
Left to its own devices, ESPN might have considered any one of the following five sycophantic one-hour specials in the works:
•"The Indecision" -- Brett Favre handpicks John Madden, hoping for the kind of softball questions Jim Gray threw out to James ("What's your favorite cupcake?" Gray asked James. Well, Jim, after tonight I'd have to say you.)
In one memorable moment, Madden, determined in the first 15 minutes to get to the question most on his mind, asks, "Why isn't it spelled "F-a-r-v-e?"
The segment ends with Favre demanding three lifelines to answer Madden's question but is unable to decide which to use.
•"The Indigestion" -- Former hot-dog-eating champ Takeru Kobayashi lobbies for a special (hosted by Larry King) so he can announce that, through a religious conversion, he only will eat and regurgitate kosher hot dogs from now on. The final 30 minutes are unfortunately spent with host and interview subject comparing angioplasty war stories.
•"The Indecision II" -- Former Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson, who will appear as a contestant on CBS' "Survivor: Nicaragua," lets the drama build over several minutes of nickname banter with Chris Berman, who keeps calling him "Jimmy Johnson and Johnson" in hopes of a getting even one canned laugh.
The show attempts to answer the question: When in Nicaragua, will Johnson try to make a go of it without hair gel or without a comb? (Spoiler alert: It's not the comb).
•"The Incoherency" -- ESPN's Stuart Scott embraces his growing reputation as the King of Clich s by asking viewers for 60 minutes of their lives they are guaranteed to want back. In the closing segment, Scott ranks sports personalities who are "cooler than the other side of the pillow."
The saving grace of the program: There is none. But thankfully Scott does not make his own list.
•"The Delusion" -- LeBron James is back but unable to pick his interviewer as ESPN this time draws a line in the South Beach sand. Seeing an opening, Cavs fans make a symbolic statement by collecting money to hire the musician playing second fiddle in the Miami Symphony to interview James.
The question on everyone's mind: Now that he's given up lead singer status to join Dwyane Wade's band, does he get it that he's basically become Scottie Pippen without the migraines?
The show would end Jerry Springer-style when members of the Boys & Girls Club of Greenwich, Conn., storm the stage angry at being used by James at "The Decision."
And with ESPN getting what it richly deserves. Ripped again.
Family time
South Beach is a great place to raise a family if "The Birdcage" is your idea of a family.
Chris Paul apparently wants out of New Orleans for a better chance at winning a title. Now where did he ever get that idea?
In a Twitter pronouncement Thursday, LeBron James declared, "Best of luck to my brother [Chris Paul] . . . Do what's best for You and your family."
James seems intent on spreading his special brand of family values.
Paul isn't a free agent. He has two years remaining on his contract.
Best of luck?
If the people who've cheered him in New Orleans took the same approach, the city would be a ghost town still shuttered from Hurricane Katrina.
Spinoffs
Alex Rodriguez closing in on 600 home runs? Next to the manner in which LeBron James picked Miami, that's the feel-good story of the sports year.
Tiger Woods' estimated earnings of $90 million is 30 percent lower than his previous yearly earnings of $128 million. Woods, who also shared the top spot with Kobe Bryant on a recent poll of America's favorite athletes, is really paying a huge public price for his infidelities, isn't he?
Alabama football coach Nick Saban went after agents at the SEC media day, saying they are "no better than a pimp." Good for him. Somebody had to say it. Only colleges are allowed to make money on athletes.
Sorry, "student athletes."
How long before the new Cavs' mural downtown: "Witness -- Eyenga!"
He said it
"He's a very young and immature kid who smoked too much marijuana and has told me that he's not smoking anymore. And I told him that I would trust him as long as that was the case." -- Minnesota Timberwolves President David Kahn, on recently acquired Michael Beasley.
As soon as Beasley puts down that bag of Cheetos, I see a hug coming.
You said it
"Bud: Can anyone really doubt we are in for a decade of Yankees/Sabathia/Lee and Heat/LeBron championships?" -- Ron
Only a decade? Thank you. I always like to start off "You said it" on an optimistic note.
"Bud: I am missing Albert Belle. He doesn't seem like such a bad guy after all." -- Edward
Psychologists are calling that "The Post-Decision Effect." Remember, though, Albert called fans village idiots. LeBron only thinks you're one.
"Bud: True story going around Miami. L. James told his Realtor he wanted the most expensive house in S. Beach. He was told he can't afford the best house in S. Beach." -- Dave, Key West
That confirms my sources who told me that when James showed the real estate agent a picture of his Bath Township mansion she said, "What a beautiful mud room."
"Bud: I miss the 'Wedgespeak' segment of your column but certainly do not miss the lineup juggling Wedge promoted. Manny Acta's use of the set lineup has been refreshing. Do you think Eric watches the 2010 Tribe and realizes the error of his ways?" -- Doug
For some crazy reason, I think he simply sees a team of "grinders" trying to "stay within themselves."
"Voice of Reason: I have been really busy and didn't have a chance to see it, but when Z announced he was going to Miami, how was the show?" -- Dan O
I didn't see it either. But I'm told that in keeping with this particular stage of his career, Z sold his one-hour special to "Antiques Roadshow."
"Bud: Dan Gilbert said exactly what I feel. I love him. I wish he would buy the Indians and Browns, too! He cursed LeBron! Gilbert is a Clevelander. He wears his heart on his sleeve!" -- Herb
Sorry, but when Dan Gilbert wrote that "open" letter guaranteeing a title and cursing James, he wasn't playing with a full tarot deck.
"Bud: The Yankees were rumored to be interested in Jhonny Peralta's bat. Who do you think they will get to swing it for him?" -- Bob
First-time "You said it" winners receive a T-shirt from the mental_floss collection.
"Hey, Bud: Did LeBron change his number to 6 because that's his favorite game to be eliminated from the playoffs?" -- Mark M.
Repeat winners get to hope that someday LeBron James will wear jersey No. 4.