The NBA playoffs remain Sports Nation’s hidden treasure: good rivalries, wonderful athletes, compelling games, intriguing story lines and Charles Barkley talking about something he actually knows about. Unlike March Madness, there is no backroom selection committee, and all the players get paid in plain view of the public.
AP PhotoLeBron James will need some help from his friends Dwyane Wade and the other guy for the Heat to go deep in the NBA Playoffs. The NBA playoffs remain
Sports Nation’s hidden treasure:
good rivalries, wonderful
athletes, compelling games, intriguing
story lines and Charles Barkley talking
about something he actually knows
about. Unlike March Madness, there is
no backroom selection committee,
and all the players get paid in plain
view of the public.
Here’s all you need to know about
this season’s playoffs, beginning Saturday:
Rule No. 1 of the NBA postseason:
No team with Vince Carter or Gilbert
Arenas can win it all. Generally,
knuckleheads—with the notable exceptions
of Dennis Rodman and Ron
Artest — will keep you from the
promised land. The Suns are not
playoff-bound, so Carter already is a
non-factor, but the Magic will feel
the wrath of Arenas in the next 24
seconds or so.
The Magic has declared this its
“Fear The Beard” playoff run. In an
act of team solidarity, Magic players
will not shave until their postseason
is over. The crew of Sir Francis
Drake’s voyage through the Strait of
Magellan tried this in 1578 and,
well, their faces got very itchy. And
— need I remind readers with shortterm
memory loss — Arenas could
look like Rip Van Winkle and he’s
still not winning any titles.
Biggest coaching upgrade this
year: The Bulls going from Vinny
Del Negro to Tom Thibodeau. That’s
like going from paper plates to
Wedgwood china.
The Spurs and the Lakers are the
oldest teams in the NBA. In fact, the
Spurs — average
age of their starting
lineup: deceased
— have requested
earlier
start times for the
playoff games so
Tim Duncan can
be in bed by 9:45
p.m.
Nobody ever
roots against the Spurs. Gregg Popovich
is a classy coach and the team
wins without fanfare. But San Antonio
could have gone 82-0 in the regular
season and still not be favored to win
the NBA title.
Here’s one of the weirdest stats
ever, courtesy of the Mavericks’
Brian Cardinal — 39 of his 40 baskets
this season are three-pointers.
In an odd coincidence, 13 of Cardinal’s
14 speeding tickets since 2005
have come while driving in the HOV
lane.
On a recent appearance on
“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” Mavericks
owner Mark Cuban proclaimed,
“When I die, I want to come back as
me.” Hmm. When I die, I want to
come back when “Jimmy Kimmel
Live” is off the air and Cuban is
working the deep fryer at Burger
King.
In his first year, Doug Collins has
turned around the 76ers, from 27-55
to 41-39. In an unusual coaching
twist, during timeouts Collins does
not address the team directly;
rather, he plays audiotapes of his
sharpest commentary from his TNT
days.
Bulls Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf
said last month, “If we stay healthy,
we have an awfully good chance of
winning at least four championships.”
I love watching these Derrick
Rose-led Bulls, but just to win one
they likely will have to get past the
Celtics, and it’s just not difficult to
beat the Celtics, it’s also difficult to
stay healthy beating the Celtics.
Credit the Celtics for this — Doc
Rivers always gets them to play
very, very hard. To beat Boston, it’s
as if you have to walk barefoot
across a bed of nails and broken
glass for two-plus hours and then
you still have to make your free
throws.
But Kevin Garnett is a punk,
plain and simple. This is inarguable,
indisputable and incontrovertible.
In the area of celebrity fans, Jack
Nicholson gets the easy nod over
Spike Lee. Jack is cool, Spike is hot.
Jack looks casual, Spike looks contrived.
And Jack, unlike Spike,
doesn’t go on the road, show up at
every arena in the front row and act
like a Rottweiler on speed.
These are the teams that could win
the NBA title: Bulls, Celtics, Lakers,
Mavericks, Spurs and Thunder. Yes,
I left out the Heat. The Three Tenors
— LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and
the other guy — score almost all of
the team’s points these days, and
you can’t win playing three-on-five,
unless you’re Kim, Khloe and Kourtney.
In the final analysis, you have to
like Artest’s Lakers. Sure, Artest still
runs like there are rocks in his shoes
and he has taken to kissing his biceps
after making a big play. But the
goofball has become oddly engaging
and, in terms of NBA titles, he still
has a teammate named Kobe.
Ask The Slouch!
Special LeBron James Playoff
Edition
Q: What would be the overall
effect on the U.S. sports
economy if Brett Favre, LeBron
James and Tiger Woods all retired
in the same year? — David
Lee, Indianapolis.
A: That’s tough to calculate,
but I’m certain ESPN would
have to shutter one of its family of
networks.
Q: If LeBron James were involved
in a single-car accident,
would Dick Bavetta whistle
the tree for a blocking foul?
— Scott Shuster, Watertown,
Mass.
A: Pay the man, Shirley.
Q: After alleged battery of a
Miami Beach valet, will
Gloria James and ESPN host a
special on which hotel she is
switching to? — Bruce Devney,
Strongsville.
A: Pay the man, Shirley.
Q: Does LeBron James get a
tattoo for each season he
goes without winning a title? —
Tim Reinhart, Stevens Point, Wis.
A: Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask
The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just
email asktheslouch@aol.com and,
if your question is used, you win
$1.25 in cash!
Norman Chad is a freelance writer in
Los Angeles.